slothy

Double Squeeze (n.) What you imagine yourself doing to two prominent organs staring you in the face after you discover your partner cancelled your last month's bridge game because she had to stay overnight in hospital for breast augmentation surgery.

Last Train (n.) The public transport leaving the station at 11:34pm that you would have caught to get back to your hotel 7 km from the bridge venue had you not made a bid on the last board that caused your partner to tank (see tank) for 13 mins which you had made at 11:12pm.

Coup En Passant (n.) One of those techniques you strive to execute when playing with a woman who you are trying to get into bed with so you can discuss your approach to the play of the hand in the bar afterwards after you have overheard her telling her best friend on her mobile during the interval that she will only date someone who can speak French with a sexy accent.

The Law Of Restricted Choice (n.) The law that determines the card you must play when you open 5S with a 10-1-1-1 distribution and your LHO leads a side suit.

Bath Coup (n.) The after-effect of shouting 'Eureka!' when lying in the jacuzzi and realising you could have made the first 3NT you played in the afternoon session by ducking the KH lead whilst holding AJxx of H

Law Of Total Tricks (n.) A law of trick-taking ability whose verity is restricted to how many more tricks then you the opposition can make.

Zar (n.) A word that would result in 12 points if placed on a Scrabble score-card yet results in -1100 if placed on a bridge score-card.

Milton Point Count (n.) The poetic justice that ensues from losing 1100 after opening 1NT with a A543 A65 A76 954 hand.

Trump Suit(n.) The suit you seemingly continuously avoid discarding from when you cant follow the suit declarer leads from and you are under the misapprehension that you are defending 3NT

Post-Mortem (n.) The rather odd-looking ribs, oversized chicken liver and unfamiliar-tasting sausages you have at your neighbour's BBQ 4 days after the massive argument she had with her p at the club when they finished last in the Mixed Pairs Championship.

7 of Diamonds (n.) The card you win the last trick with at the expense of 4 overtricks when your wallet is empty and you suddenly feel like a drink.

Backwash Squeeze (n.) The unfortunate drenching of the playing-room carpet when Jim, the oldest player in the club, reaches over to play a card from dummy and applies excessive pressure to his colostomy bag.

Small slam (n.) see Grand Slam above The noise the cat-flap on the front door of the bridge club makes when you have passed your partners 7C bid and you kick the bridge club moggy doorwards when you realise your unsympathetic partner has left with your car-keys in his pocket.

Grand Slam (n.) The noise the front door of the bridge club makes when you pass your partners 7C bid. After you pick his cards off the floor as they fluttered there after the backdraft from his dramatic exit you realise his stiff A of clubs was a probe for 7NT or 7S.

Husband (n.) Definition 1. Noun that suddenly becomes prefixed with ex when a wife talks about the man she started to learn to play bridge with at the local library. Definition 2. A male you should always play with - as long as he is someone else's.

Mt (prefix) The initial 2 letters of all of Adam's niks. After he has used 3,794 niks and has exhausted all places on Earth higher than 4000m will have to consult an encyclopaedia of Lunar Topology

Weak Three (n.) See Weak 2 above A polite term referring to the husband and wife who have played at the local club for 15 years, and still play in C, just after they start attending prenatal classes.

Reverse Smith (n.) Giving yourself the nickname Htims on BBO and making a bet with 15 of your friends on BBO , all of whom collectively believe that no one else has a similar wacky sense of humour and ability to 'think outside the box' as you all do, that no one else will fathom the profound and intense cleverness intrinsic in the nik.

Weedo (v.) Example : 'Yesterday, i weedoed after the meeting with Mr Smith' The BBO nik you click on to watch the JEC team match when have 30 mins to kill waiting for your document to print after you look at the print-spool and find your colleague is printing out every email her lover, who went back to his wife the previous morning, had sent her since 2002.

Garbage Stayman (v.) Where you want to throw your system when you end up playing in a 4-2 fit .

Yellow-Belly (n.) Those extra 9 centimetres that appear on dkgrab's waistline after his wife has left him Home Alone to fend for himself after she visits her friends in New Mexico for 3 weeks

Vienna Coup (v.) The clandestine changing of ones flag to Austria when you hear in lobby-chat that the daughter of the director for the upcoming tourney you want to play in was left at the altar by a man from your own country.

Irrevocability (n.) The feeling of despair one feels when one has revoked in every suit on the first 4 tricks.

Dandyruff (n.) Inexplicable white spots that appear on the beige after your Q of clubs is ruffed by a male opponent with a liberal trowelling of lip-gloss and a pattern on his colourful shirt reminiscent of your grandmother's apron.

I don't know how many of us are familiar with the book The Meaning Of Liff by Douglas Adams (and some other bloke with an unforgettable name). Ebook (for inspiration :) ) or Devil's dictionary as adam mentioned below In the book (t)he(y) either invents words, or takes existing words, and assigns alternative (and in most cases hilarious and or ludicrous, at least to me) meanings to them. So for example the 2 words, JARROW and KURDISTAN (taken at random) JARROW (adj.) An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road. KURDISTAN (n.) Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.' So what i propose is to take the concept of this book and specifically apply a bridge or BBO theme either to bridge terms, BBO personalities or BBO itself I guess i should start. I am hoping some of you come up with some real beauties :) It just requires a bit of imagination and perverted sense of humour :) Alex