slothy

Insufficient Bid (n.) Phrase adequately describing partners raise to the 2 level with a 14 count and trump support.

Discussion (n.) Vocalised partnership interaction. If made after a board has been played it is normally heated, if made before a board has been played it is normally cool.

Distributional Points (n.) A recently rediscovered system of arithmetic originally used by Mayan real estate accountants and readopted by certain types of bridge players. Although intensely complicated to master (Teochitataul The Elder from Acapulco was the most successful exponent in his day) once understood it is exceptionally accurate. Adapted for bridge, the process is as follows :- 1) add together the length of your longest suits. 2) To this add a weighted sum of your high card points in your longer suits 3) Subtract mercy points for honours in short suits 4) Subtract the number of times you thought during the session that you wish you never opened your bludy hand Once you have finished the above arithmetic calculation, it astonishingly always equals -800.

Mirror (n.) A distribution of 2 hands that makes you reflect you should have bid NT instead of settle for a suit contract.

Huddle (n.) A period of time equal in length to 2 hesitations (SI Unit) ; the first hesitation being a mental equivalent to a dog-paddle as your thoughts scurry around to understand what partner's bid meant and the second a mental equivalent to a nose-dive as you try and conjure up a least lame as possible excuse to justify the first.

Brown Sticker (n.) alt. a phrase used to describe the adhesive quality of one's underwear after one reaches a small slam in a suit you had not bid until the 6 level, when you suddenly realise that you have to play it.

Pull (v.) The one conciliatory action one can do to one's female partner if her looks are a damn sight better than her bridge ability.

Partner (n.) One of the three opponents sat at your table who just happens to be sat diametrically opposite you.

Pass Out Seat (n.) When you are dealer, the empty seat on your right previously occupied by the diabetic opponent who had forgotten to take his insulin shot.

Hesitation (n.) A period of time shorter than a huddle (see huddle) and always 25 times longer than the time it takes ones opponents to inform one that one has taken it.

False Claim (n.) What you believe your pick-up partner has done after 3 hands of bridge and you look at his profile and he has put expert as his Skill Level.

odd (adj.) 1. a pip card that has a modulus of 1 when divided by 2. 2. the character of the players who you always seem to pick to play with from the Partnership Desk.

Flat (adj.) Antonym of Double Squeeze (see Double Squeeze)

Field (n. v.) 1. Size of a tourney. 2. Being aware that partner has psyched in the absence of a call that reveals the psyche. 3. Where you will dump your partners body after he continuously perpetrates 2.

DOPI (abbr.) An acronym that transforms into an adjective that your partner calls you when you pass an opponents bid with an Ace.

CRASH (v. occasionally a n.) A verb describing your association with the sofa later that evening when, whilst playing with your wife, you overcall an opponents non-making NT to a non-making part-score your way.

Comic NT (b.) An overcall of 1NT that causes your partner to lose his sense of humour once your hand hits the table.

Combination Play (n.) A line partner takes that, with a combination of stupidity and ill-judgement, invariably results in him going off.

Symmetric relay(n.) alt. a series of bids that eventuate a contract resulting in asymmetric results.

System (n.) A series of sentences purported to state what conventions you play, each of which, at one time or another, are systematically forgotten or neglected.

Barometer (n.) The gauge, positioned on the left-side of a team match in BBO, that accurately measures the level of depression of your team members

BridgeMate (n.) The unfriendly electronic contraption that North has to wrestle with for the duration of a bridge session.

Double Dummy (n.) Portmanteau word to describe your opponents when they each hold an ace and fail to set your 6NT

3-suited (adj.) Descriptive of the dress code at the Yukon January Bridge Congress when the generator in the hotel has blown.

Artificial (n.) Descriptive of the intelligence of bridge theorists who seem averse to bidding the suit(s) they actually have.