DozyDom

1. I would definitely pass first off. Massive length in opener's suit, my own suit is only 5 cards, and my honour distribution is dismal; not a two-level overcall in my book at any vulnerability. 2. Wonderful! My partner has an overcall; I'm glad he is aware that I don't. I think I'm bidding 3H, in all honesty. I don't see a reason to preempt, and while I can imagine hands where we make game but don't get there, I will cope with missing those in exchange for staying out of game opposite a stretching partner. 3. Branch A - Let's assume they've bid 4H over my cue; partner has passed. I don't believe that pass is forcing; do I believe I should bid? There's no way I'm doubling, that's for sure. I suppose I'm bidding. Could be a sacrifice; could be to make. 3. Branch B - I bid 5D first round; they have bid 5H. Good for them, they can play there.

Please tell me this is a joke and I'm just bad at picking up on humour.

I don't think non-leaping Michaels is a universal agreement. I don't play it in any of my partnerships, certainly.

Jump to game in spades and you'll probably be fine. I certainly don't see any merit to playing 4D as forcing; I don't see much merit to going for 5D instead. Edit: actually, there is merit to playing 4D as forcing; I just got mixed up for a second. I still don't play it as forcing, though.

I don't think 4H as an opening with the W hand is normal at all. It's a 7-card suit with nothing special about the hand, and half the points are outside the suit. A 4-level open should not look like a 3-level open with an extra K outside the suit - that's not how preempts work. After that, the hand is not that strong. Don't punish partner for making a marginal double, non-vulnerable. Just go for 3H and you won't get to 5.

Either you include random garbage queens as "features", or your entire system falls apart because you need too many bids. Neither of those is an acceptable option for me. When I respond to an Ogust enquiry and show that my strength lies outside the suit, my partner will expect me to have scattered nonsense and that's what I will have the vast majority of the time.

Feature ask, for me, falls victim to a very simple problem - it's worthless. I've just opened a weak two; how many features do you think I've got? Feature ask will not tell partner enough about my hand's overall strength or my suit quality, and where I don't have a feature (which will be the vast majority of the time) it won't tell partner about my strength outside the suit either. Ogust manages all three, every time - it just fails to tell partner how that outside strength is distributed.

Whoops - I should have said 8+ if I'm bidding it constructively, which is what I guessed you meant. Natch you can bid it with anything you like so long as you're good with partner's reply.

1. 8+ 2. 8-9 if I'm playing it as natural; nothing if it's a minor transfer. 3. A lot. 4. I'll be more likely to force game with a good 9 count at teams; more likely to pass with a poor 8-count at pairs. I think this is what most people would say if asked.

Auken says overcall 2m over 2om often. She doesn't say "overcall on the most absolute garbage possible".

GIB is bad, but your complaints are worse. Still, it is April Fool's - maybe this is a high quality troll.

I'd have overcalled 3H on my first turn, but I'm bidding 4 now.

If it is alerted as showing 3 hearts, then revert to the suit where you know you have a fit. The point description is a typo, you know that, but you know he doesn't have diamonds sufficient to overcall. The bid shows diamonds and heart support - he bids because you could have a massive hand, because GIB plays a terrible system here, so he does need to show support.

Somehow I'm not convinced that 4NT is RKCB for spades... I'm with you on the best option, 3NT, as a serious slam try. I'm also defintiely with you on 5H being a terrible idea. But I don't think I like 4C/D - we don't have a first or second round control, and pretending we do might lead partner to bid a failing grand or slam. I feel they're both much worse than 4S.

E. E all the way. You can't sit back and let yourself be pushed around like that.

I'm not really convinced. About any of this. You say that on this hand the opps' bidding mixup didn't matter - are you sure? If they had met each other before - as I take it they hadn't - then they would have an agreement as to what the double means. If it's takeout, as W believes, they'll find their spade fit. Your overcall will have no lead-directing value because you'll be on lead - all it'll have done is given the opps a better idea of the distribution, and possibly persuade your partner to compete to 4D in the hope of a 10-card fit, which will either push them into a 4S they might otherwise not have reached, or let them get the 500 penalty. If it's support, as E believes, the double won't happen. Then your partner will raise you to 3D unless he's asleep. Then you get the auction pass-pass-X, unless you think W is passing this out green on green. Then his partner bids probably 3S - 4 seems doubtful. Aand they've reached the normal spot on the hand, well done. Again, your interference has slowed them down in getting to a perfectly normal contract, but has no lead-directing advantage. But this is a fairly perfect layout. If they actually have a heart fit, you've done nothing at all. If you don't find partner with juicy 4-card support, they might penalise you when you come in in the sandwich position. In the end, your hand is terrible as an overcall - a balanced hand with a textureless 5-card suit. Sit back and defend. Mike Lawrence is I'm sure a fan of overcalling in this position; I am too. But only when I have an overcall, and you don't.

I'd be curious as to how you came up with the idea that she'll never be free. As far as reports have suggested, she's only committed S11 and S12 offences under the terrorism act 2000. The max sentence for either of those is 10 years, and given that she's a radicalised teenager, it'd be difficult to justify the whole amount. No one is suggesting she's any particular danger to the public, as well. So it's hard to imagine that she could stay in prison past the age of 40 or so. And yes, she poses some risk of radicalising people in a british prison. So do domestic terrorists. Drug dealers and addicts contribute to drugs being a vast problem in prisons. Violent offenders contribute to violence in prisons. And yet we don't hand them over to Syria and stop them from seeing their child for the rest of their lives.

But seriously, it's like you think we don't already have laws against terrorism offences. When she comes back she'll face justice for any offences committed; the justice that's dictated by UK law not made up on the spot when the public particularly dislike a suspect.. Get over yourselves and quit the mob justice mentality; let the courts deal with crimes.

How about we don't make an exception to our country's fundamental rights of citizenship for a literal teenager. We have far more awful criminals abounding in prisons; we don't deport them. Why so keen to change the law for someone who as far as we know has never killed anyone, when you don't make a fuss about domestic criminals? I'm going to guess at answer to that - it's because you think of her, in your mind, as alien and thus not deserving of rights.

There's no doubt the robot needs to get a clue and show its tremendous diamonds.

I was indeed thinking of systems that let you stay and relax in 1NT, yeah.

This... isn't a flannery commercial. It's a commercial for learning how to bid in the system you're playing. I challenge anyone to tell me what 3C could possibly indicate about the hand. Alternatively, it's an advert for KI, which gets you playing in 2NT without risking being raised in clubs. Alternatively, it's an advert for literally any sensible system except 2/1, though that's a separate matter.

Somehow I feel that when your partners are doing all these, you aren't entirely blameless yourself. Otherwise I feel like you might get better partners.

I can't imagine responding in a 4-card minor before a 5-card major. It just flies in the face of pretty much everything I can think of.

I would be perturbed at best if diamonds split 4-2. You have 8 of them between you, after all.