Bridge humour

[trolley813]

I apologise since it may be an improper place to post it there, but I've found nothing better.

 

Topic for posting bridge jokes, memes and other bridge humour (I've found no existing topic dedicated to it).

 

Here's a joke by me (I've posted it today on Reddit (to the general jokes subreddit), but the people there seem not to play bridge):

 

- Why an owner of 4 bridge clubs would give one of them for free only to help Democrats to win the 2020 presidential election?

- Because in bridge, four clubs are worth less then three, but with no trump.

[pilowsky]

Oh, I get it 3♣ walk into a bar... you must be joking.

[Chas_P]

Bridge daffynitions from Richard Pavlicek:

 

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Dummy — (see below).

Partner — (see above).

Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee.

Gerber Convention — a meeting of baby-food manufacturers.

Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.

Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.

Quick Tricks — frantic scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.

Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck.

Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.”

Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash.

Short Club — a private organization for midgets.

Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.

Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas.

Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.

Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City.

Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.

Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.

[trolley813]

3♣ walk into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

[thepossum]

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

 

If I were going to run some kind of classification over it I reckon 90% of it would come close to the very bottom of the worst of dad jokes - but not quite that funny. What's also sad is that I wanted to be something a smartass (as usual) and post a joke about bridges but they really aren't much better (possibly even worse)

 

Considering the (alleged) brains that play the game it is rather concerning. It like your parents when checking your report card at end of semester/term would be most disappointed at your grade on Humour 101

 

Actually one of the funniest and most appropriate did relate to an IQ test and a machine that conversed with you according to your IQ. You should all look it up :)

 

Although to be fair what did show up as genuinely amusing/funny were anecdotes (real or apocryphal)

 

I being really mean and with apologies to the page I found this on and the paraphrasing I liked the following one (apolgoies for the paraphrase)

 

A: How did your appointment with your cardiologist go?

B: She said I can't play bridge anymore

A : Why, because of your heart problem?

B: No, she said I'm not good enough

 

Oh, I remembered, there was a Precision joke but I didn't get it at all. Actually I shouldn't put myself down. I did kind of get it. I remember. But I couldn't possibly remember it and get it right :)

 

 

Maybe its time for Bridgebase to organise a joke competition with BBO masterpoints on offer for the top few best jokes

[LBengtsson]

Sex is a lot like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand :D

[trolley813]

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

 

If I were going to run some kind of classification over it I reckon 90% of it would come close to the very bottom of the worst of dad jokes - but not quite that funny. What's also sad is that I wanted to be something a smartass (as usual) and post a joke about bridges but they really aren't much better (possibly even worse)

 

Considering the (alleged) brains that play the game it is rather concerning. It like your parents when checking your report card at end of semester/term would be most disappointed at your grade on Humour 101

 

Actually one of the funniest and most appropriate did relate to an IQ test and a machine that conversed with you according to your IQ. You should all look it up :)

 

Although to be fair what did show up as genuinely amusing/funny were anecdotes (real or apocryphal)

 

I being really mean and with apologies to the page I found this on and the paraphrasing I liked the following one (apolgoies for the paraphrase)

 

A: How did your appointment with your cardiologist go?

B: She said I can't play bridge anymore

A : Why, because of your heart problem?

B: No, she said I'm not good enough

 

Oh, I remembered, there was a Precision joke but I didn't get it at all. Actually I shouldn't put myself down. I did kind of get it. I remember. But I couldn't possibly remember it and get it right :)

 

 

Maybe its time for Bridgebase to organise a joke competition with BBO masterpoints on offer for the top few best jokes

 

 

Coincidentally, I've lost a hand today (by allowing my robot partner to overbid) just because my heart was not good enough: I even created a topic about it since I don't quite understand the bidding. (Not a joke.)

[Chas_P]

Another of my favorites....

 

Josef Stalin sits down to play a little bridge with three of his underlings. Stalin deals and the auction goes 1♣-1♦-1♥-1♠-1♣-p-p-p.

[Zelandakh]

There are the well known jokes about a Chief Inspector/General/Sergeant Major overcalling 3NT with 1♣ and all of the Constables/Privates passing; or of the wine waiter stepping in to a match and being told to "bid what you have" opening 4♣ doubled back and rebidding 4♦, doubled again for him to bid 4♥, finally adding "and the Jack of spades". But perhaps the most entertaining is this famous verse:

--

The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Skinny Miles that day,

For Folline was his partner with one rubber left to play,

And Hodges sat on one side, and Warner on the other,

And no one at the table felt like anybody's brother.

 

But Skinny made a game bid, and Emily a partial,

And Hodges leered at Warner as if this were all quite farcial.

The cards were being shuffled when Hodges had to go,

So Sobel softly shouted “I'LL SUBSTITUTE, YOU KNOW!”

 

He strode up to the table in his best director's manner

Holding aloft his cooking-and-creek as if it were a banner.

“WHO DEALS?” he whispered gently, and the cards blew on the floor.

“WE'LL WIN THIS RUBBER YET” he murmured, and down went Skinny's door.

 

There was ease in Skinny's manner as he answered “It's my deal”.

There was pride in Skinny's bearing as he asked “Are you for real?”

But Sobel wasn't buffaloed, he shuffled up the deck,

He seemed to feel quite certain Folline would stick out Skinny's neck.

 

Three pairs of eyes were on him as he handed Skin the cards,

Three pairs of ears were listening as he said “Remember, Dave, we're pards!”

Then as the deal was finished, he took another nip -

Defiance gleamed in Sobel's eye, a sneer curled Sobel's lip.

 

By now the hands were sorted, and Skinny's spirits sank -

Not an honor card was in his mitt, in fact his holding stank.

Six diamonds to the none-spot, seven clubs topped by the eight -

“This ain't my style” he muttered, as he bemoaned his fate.

 

“By me” he offered sadly, and he hoped that by his moan

Folline would quickly see she was entirely on her own.

He turned to look at Sobel to see what he would bid

And his spirits dropped still further, for Al's glee could not be hid.

 

With a smile of Christian charity great Sobel's visage shone -

“Don't worry, Dave old pal” he said, “I'll bid this hand alone.”

He lifted up his glass, called “Diamonds, Six” in accents bold,

But when Skin heard what followed was when his blood ran cold.

 

For Folline, swaying gently, looked Al right in the eye

And shouted “Seven Diamonds” as she poured another rye.

“Fraud!” cried the anguished Skinny as he looked at her nonplussed,

But one scornful look from Folline and he knew that bid he must.

 

They saw his face grow red as if inside it were a devil -

He had to bid a blank suit at the lofty seven level!

But Warner knew it too and so refrained from saying “Double” -

Far be it from a broker to get a fellow out of trouble.

 

The sneer is gone from Sobel's lips, he's licking them instead,

Anticipating quite a set - his hand's gone to his head!

And now poor Skinny grits his teeth, and now the deed is did,

And now the air is shattered by the force of Skinny's bid…

 

And somewhere in Virginia there's the sound of singing boids,

And somewhere Skin won't have to choose between two aching voids -

But not at Miles Away, where bridge is now considered vice,

For Skin chose spades instead, when seven hearts was cold as ice.

--

[Zelandakh]

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

I just tried it and came up with this, this and this.

[nullve]

It's always fun to see if GiB can recover from temporary insanity:

 

[hv=https://www.bridgebase.com/tools/handviewer.html?lin=st||pn|~~M3137a5c,~~M10812jt,~~M9130j8p,~~M107122q|md|3SK96HAQ753DAK52C5,SQ5HT92DQT8CQJT84,SJT872H4D74CAK976,SA43HKJ86DJ963C32|sv|o|rh||ah|Board%201|mb|1H|mb|P|mb|2N!|an|Jacoby%20-%3E%20support;%20balanced%20--%204+%20!H;%2013+%20total%20points%20|mb|P|mb|4H|an|Balanced%20minimum%20--%202+%20!C;%202+%20!D;%205+%20!H;%202+%20!S;%2011-14%20HCP;%2012-15%20total%20points%20|mb|P|mb|P|mb|P|pc|C3|pc|C5|pc|CT|pc|CK|pc|CA|pc|C2|pc|D5|pc|C8|pc|C9|pc|S3|pc|H3|pc|C4|pc|DA|pc|D8|pc|D7|pc|D9|pc|DK|pc|DT|pc|D4|pc|DJ|pc|D2|pc|DQ|pc|H4|pc|D6|pc|S8|pc|SA|pc|S6|pc|S5|pc|S4|pc|SK|pc|SQ|pc|S7|pc|H7|pc|H2|pc|S2|pc|H8|pc|D3|pc|H5|pc|H9|pc|C7|pc|HT|pc|C6|pc|H6|pc|HQ|pc|HA|pc|CJ|pc|ST|pc|HK|pc|S9|pc|CQ|pc|SJ|pc|HJ|]450|300[/hv]

(I opened 1♥ and then left the seat to GiB.)

[trolley813]

Not quite a joke, but still (from the ACBL Encyclopedia of Bridge, 7th edition (2011), page 393):

 

[hv=pc=n&s=st3hk76dc&w=shq952djc&n=s98hat8dc&e=shj43d96c]399|300[/hv]

 

Spades are trump, and West is on lead and forced to open up the hearts. The queen is the proper play, for if he leads a low card, South simply plays the 8 from dummy, forcing the jack from East. On the next round he has a simple finesse position with dummy's A-10 over West's queen.

 

This rare case, when a tenace really consists of a ten and an ace.

[kenberg]

My wife Becky does not play bridge but she has heard me talk about it enough so that she knows about major and minor suits. So I told he about the three clubs walking into a bar and the bartender refusing to serve minors. I also mentioned about the Wolff sign-off and Little Red Riding Hood, w/o explaining the convention. She said that Bridge humor sounds a lot like math humor. I am left wondering of that was intended as a compliment. But I am enjoying the thread.

[Vampyr]

I'm not sure if it''s a joke, but I'm just about to enter a tourney in which another competitor is called brisbymom - as a Jewish boy should I be worried?

 

No, because it is too late.

[kenberg]

I grew up (in St. Paul) among a reasonable mixture of Catholics, Jews, and Protestants, for example we were Protestant, there was a Jewish family two doors down and a Catholic family across the street from them. However I have no idea what brisby refers to. Sorry to be so dense. I looked on the web and saw something about a Disney cartoon. Figured that wasn't it. Can you enlighten me?

[Zelandakh]

She said that Bridge humor sounds a lot like math humor.

If she likes maths humour, show her this. It was on the front page of the university maths society newsletter when I joined them over 30 years ago and is still my favourite maths-related story/joke.

[thepossum]

I must admit I was looking at the Bridge rankings on BBO with Ace at the top, then Kings, then Queens and wondered in this day and age if anyone had Jacked up over those orderings

 

PS Possibly risky use of slang that I did check and hopefully doesnt cause any international or other misundrstandings over meanings etc

 

Its meant to mean (in my slang) getting upset etc

[trolley813]

Another story from here:

 

[hv=pc=n&s=sj3h432d8765432ca&w=skqt8hjt97dqtckj8&n=sa9hakq65dakcqt54&e=s76542h8dj9c97632&d=s&v=0&b=11&a=1cp2hp2sp3cp3hp4np7ddppp]399|300[/hv]

 

Explanations for bidding by South (this was a kibitzer which knew nothing about the game, except "Just bid what you have and follow suit"):

"I was told to bid what I have, and I have: one club, two spades, 3 hearts and 7 diamonds!"

[y66]

Saw this today. https://www.instagram.com/p/CGkntrShFP8/

 

Off topic, sorry, but it is Sigourney Weaver.

[Zelandakh]

Another story from here:

Or indeed from here.

[trolley813]

Well, that's not so funny, but still:

 

- What's the difference between bridge and Minecraft?

- In the latter, one can always make 1 spade* holding only a single diamond and 2 sticks. In bridge, that's often not enough**.

 

*Actually, it's called a "shovel" in-game, but it's a near-synonym of "spade".

**Here, "2 sticks" is intended to be interpreted as "11 HCP".

[mycroft]

whereas if you tried making 1 spade with a single diamond in bridge, you might expect to go for (2 each) sticks and wheels.

[trolley813]

Another story translated from Russian:

 

A bridge player dies from heart attack (no pun intended) when his redoubled contract went down 4. His partners are visiting his funeral, and there's total silence there. But after some time, one of his opponent finally breaks the silence saying:

- Mike, if you led a diamond that time, it could be much worse for him...

[trolley813]

After reading Bridge for Dummies, you should study Bridge for Declarers and then Bridge for Defenders.

[blindsey]

From the late, great Rodney Dangerfield:

 

"My wife signed me up with a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."