awful clichés

[barmar]

Also, with two touching: "Always falsecard from dummy. <higher card>, please". Note: at one point I did that with dummy holding QJ. When the opponents commented on it, I suggested that the other line for the other card was less suitable. They then asked me what that was, and when told, agreed quite strongly that it wasn't suitable.

The "unsuitable" phrase is popular at midnight zips. Drunk players are more forgiving.

[Rain]

I think these are all hilarious and wish I'd thought of saying them. :D

[barmar]

I think these are all hilarious and wish I'd thought of saying them. :D

That's because you don't play much f2f bridge. They're funny the first couple of times, but after a few dozen repetitions they're just dumb.

[ArtK78]

Leaving the realm of bridge for a moment (assuming that is allowed), a formal paralegal of mine had a penchant for fracturing cliches. My favorite of all of her fractured cliches was "We will burn that bridge when we come to it!" (I guess I didn't leave the realm of bridge - I used it in her fractured cliche!)

[barmar]

That one isn't original to her. Google it, you'll find that it's a common malaphor (that's the technical term for a fractured metaphor).

[mycroft]

I usually just ask declarer if he has played. Wasting the director's time on something like this would be pretty silly.

I tend to SB it - when declarer asks *me* if I'm going to play, they get a "oh, I'm sorry. Did you call for the [card]?"

 

Either that or when dummy puts down three suits and a turned card (or more commonly, a turned card and *then* three suits), I tell declarer "let me know when you're ready, please."

[aguahombre]

Leaving the realm of bridge for a moment (assuming that is allowed), a formal paralegal of mine had a penchant for fracturing cliches. My favorite of all of her fractured cliches was "We will burn that bridge when we come to it!" (I guess I didn't leave the realm of bridge - I used it in her fractured cliche!)

That cliche was not a fractured one during the War Between the States. I refuse to call it the Civil War.

[jade48]

My favorite has always been, "If I had known the finesses would work I would have bid higher."

[gwnn]

I forgot to mention 'ruff-sluff!' when the defence is running their long suit in 3NT.

[dboxley]

My favorite is from a mixed team playing against Steve Robinson and Beth Palmer. Not really a cliche but it was very funny at the time. I was running a long club suit of which Beth had only one. She was having trouble pitching and while sweating over her fourth discard Steve said "No clubs partner?"

[ArtK78]

That one isn't original to her. Google it, you'll find that it's a common malaphor (that's the technical term for a fractured metaphor).

Nice. Apparently the term "malaphor" dates back to only 1976. But it fits nicely.

 

I still smile every time I hear it.

 

She had another phrase that she used when she had something additional to tell me before adjorrning whatever we were discussing. Everyone has heard the phrase "Don't go away mad, just go away!" She used to say "Don't go away mad...." And that was the end of it.

[cherdano]

"I have everything I promised." (When putting down dummy after passing throughout.)

[rich23238]

Try these out to get some good eye rolls.

 

When partner follows suit, and opponents ask what the signal indicates: "Denies a void."

 

Also, after auction: 1C-P-P-P "May I have a review?"

[ArtK78]

"What was your result on Board 13?"

 

"We passed it out."

 

"How did the bidding go?"

[Hanoi5]

When I get to game on my own and dummy comes down with a terrible hand I say: "And you didn't bid six with that?"

[Vampyr]

It's just a game, what's wrong with having a little harmless fun?

 

I guess it depends on one's definition of fun LOL. The worst problem with people saying inane things is that they expect you to laugh or at least smile.

[gwnn]

I sometimes read out loud scores like '85%' in the first round from the Bridgemate when there is no other table playing the same board (ie it is always 50%). Similarly, I feign surprise that our bad board is not bad after all as it gave us Average.

[1eyedjack]

"Way Hey, a Top, partner!" in an IMP event

[barmar]

I guess it depends on one's definition of fun LOL. The worst problem with people saying inane things is that they expect you to laugh or at least smile.

Rolling your eyes at a groaner is a perfectly good defense. That'll teach them.

[Vampyr]

Rolling your eyes at a groaner is a perfectly good defense. That'll teach them.

 

I can't be bothered. I just take no notice.

[Trinidad]

This weekend, twice on consecutive boards. (Pretty high level competition, on top of everything.)

 

An opponent preempts and buys the contract. When dummy puts down his hand he puts down a singleton trump, then the two suits of the same color, then the last suit and suddenly "discovers" that he has some more trumps mixed in with those. Two times the same guy. How childish can one be?

 

Rik

[gwnn]

I did that sometimes but nowadays I try to put down trumps first, as that is usually what pd is most interested in.

 

One funny one my p did to me was him being the captain of a relay auction and he put me in a (wrong-sided) slam. I had xxxx of trumps and he said, before putting his hand down 'I have a nice hand but I hope you have trumps covered pard!' I should have seen it coming for several different reasons but I was completely duped (he had AKQx or so of course).

[barmar]

When dummy puts down a hand void in trumps, I point out "Umm, trumps go on the left".

[mycroft]

"Nice hand, partner. Aren't you missing something?"

[blackshoe]

You should call the TD and say what happened. Dummy is NOT allowed to play any card without instruction

from declarer...even a singleton. The TD will give a ruling

"Dummy must not participate in the play, nor may he communicate anything about the play to declarer." -- Law 43A1{c}.

"Dummy is liable to penalty under Law 90 for any violation of the limitations listed in A1 and A2 above." -- Law 43B1.

"In view of the second quoted law, if you do this again, you will receive a procedural penalty in match points or IMPs. Do you understand? Okay, please play on".