BRIDGE HUMOUR

[32519]

I love this one. It pokes a lot of fun at us bridge players.

 

BRIDGE DISEASE

 

Disease Etiology- Bridge

 

Bridge is a highly contagious, progressive and incurable disease. WHO (World Health Organisation) estimates there are currently between 50 and 100 million infected people worldwide. Unlike other epidemics of this scale, bridge attacks primarily in developed countries. While rarely fatal, the disease has enormous negative impact on the lives of infected individuals and on the whole society.

 

Etiology

 

Earlier theories assumed that bridge is an addictive drug, much like alcohol. In 1976, however, two independent teams of Dutch and American scientists isolated Baccillus bridgeus, a very small bacteria causing bridge. This discovery explains why earlier treatment programs such as `Bridge Players Anonymous’ were not successful. Baccillus bridgeus transmits primarily via contact with bridge players. Once inside the human body, it lodges itself in the brain, where it attacks the parts responsible for higher cognitive functions. During the tertiary stage (see under symptoms) of bridge, the patient’s brain is little more than a tool for Baccillus bridgeus to transmit itself to other victims.

 

Origins of the epidemics

 

The bridge epidemic started around 1890, almost simultaneously in Great Britain and in the USA. It appears that a relatively benign bacteria causing whist mutated itself into Baccillus bridgeus. While the reasons for this mutation are not completely determined, a likely hypothesis suggests that it was a result of exposure of the whist bacteria to high doses of alcohol and boredom among civil servants in certain parts of the British Empire.

 

Symptoms and relief

 

Stage 1 - which is not at all unpleasant, the infected individual enjoys an occasional social game of bridge and does not think of bridge in between those. Only a small area of the brain has been attacked and there are not infrequent reports of a spontaneous arrest of the disease and even of complete recovery.

 

Stage 2 - usually marked by the victim starting to analyze the hand just played. It can be also recognized from the fact of the patient buying the first bridge book, usually with a title like `Improve your play technique’ or `Killing defense at bridge’. During this stage the victim often joins a bridge club and participates in the first tournament. Once this happens, the prognosis is almost always bad.

 

Stage 3- can be recognized by the victim being able to name the current World Champions, winners of the Bermuda Bowl and other major tournaments. It is also marked by the patient owning a full bookshelf of bridge books and/or a subscription to a bridge magazine. At this stage the infected individual loses interest in other pursuits, is a common sight on the tournament circuit, and often dabbles in bridge theory. In extreme cases the victim neglects even the most elementary functions such as eating or personal hygiene. While there may be periods of marked improvement, which often lull the patient and concerned relatives into a false sense of security (with the patient thinking `I can take it or I can leave it’), it is important to recognize that a relapse is unavoidable. Nevertheless, some symptomatic relief can be achieved by simple methods such as getting the victim interested in other pursuits (cooking, fly-fishing, crocheting), taking away his/her pocket money, and keeping the patient locked up during club games and local tournaments.

 

Cure

 

Currently, the only available cure for bridge is lobotomy. This is performed only in extreme cases.

 

Prevention

 

Bridge is highly contagious. Conservative estimates indicate that it is 65 times as contagious as chess and about 5-6 times as the most infectious of the so called Nintendo or Wii viral groups (which usually attack only children and adolescents and disappear, without causing any damage, upon victim’s reaching adulthood). Thus it is very hard to prevent a bridge infection.

 

One should avoid any contact whatsoever with bridge players. If complete avoidance is impossible, do not allow the infected individual to talk about bridge and never, ever agree to be `introduced to bridge’.

 

Recently published results of a 20-year long study by John R. Williams of the Hopkins University lead to surprising conclusions. Thus it is not particularly risky to be in the company of bridge carriers, when their number is divisible by 4. On the other hand, it is extremely dangerous to be alone with 3 (or 7, 11, etc.) bridge players for a prolonged period of time (a cruise, chalet holiday, etc.). The reasons for this dichotomy are at present completely unknown and underline our lack of knowledge about Baccillus bridgeus.

[barmar]

It often seems to go into remission when the patient becomes a parent, so maybe children give off pheromones that arrest the activity of Baccillus bridgeus, until they reach puberty.

[RMB1]

Q. What is your all time favourite bridge joke?

A. Partner.

[Free]

There's also another symptom: playing with your spouse results in a divorce instead of happyness...

[pooltuna]

It is my understanding that Goren had a 300 page bridge book in his library titled " Bridge Responses by the Preemptor" .... all 300 pages were blank.

[ArtK78]

It is my understanding that Goren had a 300 page bridge book in his library titled " Bridge Responses by the Preemptor" .... all 300 pages were blank.

That reminds me of the story of an actual book printed in Germany in the 19th century. The title of the book was "How to Kibitz a Chess Match." All of the pages of the book were blank except for the last page which said, in German of course, "Keep Quiet!"

[ggwhiz]

I'm fond of the real life moments and Eddy has quite a collection at www.kantarbridge.com

 

For my own contribution....

 

Years ago 4 of our players were driving to the Toronto Easter Regional and decided to draft an NHL Hockey playoff pool along the way. One of them said "Hey it's almost game time" as they passed a Welcome to London sign.

 

Yes Mr. Ripley, they missed Toronto by driving right through it.

 

Two of the same players left the Lancaster Regional right after the last session to drive about 8 hours North and East. When they finally stopped and asked a beat Cop where they were he said "Philadelphia".

[32519]

Murphy’s Bridge Laws

 

♦ Partner always preempts in your singleton or void.

 

♦ If you have a two way finesse, you always guess wrong.

 

♦ If you have a choice between playing for the drop or finessing you will make the wrong decision.

 

♦ If you run the queen from hand to the ace and let it ride the king will be singleton on your right. If you go up with the ace, the king will be on your left.

 

♦ If you double for penalty partner thinks it is for take-out. If you double for take-out partner thinks it is for penalty.

 

♦ You always count your cards and there are always 13 - except the time when you don’t count and then you have 12 or 14.

 

♦ When opponents revoke it makes no difference because you win all the tricks anyway, but when your side revokes you lose 2 tricks.

 

♦ Whenever partner uses Blackwood you have great difficulty counting up to 3.

 

HOW MANY MORE OF MURPHY'S BRIDGE LAWS CAN YOU ADD TO THESE?

[barmar]

HOW MANY MORE OF MURPHY'S BRIDGE LAWS CAN YOU ADD TO THESE?

"Restricted choice" never works for you, only the opponents.

[blackshoe]

No, the law of restricted choice is defined as "you are restricted to choices that don't work".

[Free]

When opps play a grand slam, we always lead trumps when partner has a side suit Ace he'll never be able to make anymore, we always lead an Ace when dummy has KQJT+ and declarer is void, and we never lead trumps when it's the only lead to defeat the contract.

[helene_t]

Stolen from Bergen's Points Schmoints:

 

After the bridge drive, two men and a woman are in the lift on their way down. One of the men (obviously the woman's bridge partner) have a heated argument of the sort: "How can you bid 4Sp on that hand? Do you have no brain?" etc.

 

The other man: "Excuse me: Are you guys married?"

Woman: "Of course we are! Do you think I would live in sin with an idiot like that?"

[Zelandakh]

Rule of 500: when we open a preempt and the opps have no game available, this is the size of the penalty we accrue

Rule of 11: when we lead 4th highest against 6NT, add the current trick to 11 to see how many tricks declarer will make

Rule of 15: when opening a marginal hand in 4th seat, subtract 15 from the number of hcps in your hand to determine your expected IMP result

Rule of 8 and 9: In an 8 card suit the queen will always be offside doubleton; in a 9 card fit the queen will be onside tripleton

Rule of 19(20): A guide to opening the bidding; add the number of points in hand to the length of the longest 2 suits. If the answer is 19(20) and you open your partner will have a misfitting 13 count and put you in a no-win 3NT, if you pass your partner will have a good fit able to make but your opponents will preempt you out of finding it.

[32519]

Zelandakh's post above brings to mind another Rule of 8 / Rule of 9

 

Rule of 8/9: The number of tricks your side can expect to make in a 3NT contract. This rule is better known as "Eight Ever / Nine Never."

[kgr]

bidding: 1NT-2NT made 7 ticks.

Declarer: "just made"

RHO: "you made, but your partner did go 1 down."

[blackshoe]

Not my favorite, by a long shot, but what comes to mind is "my bidding and play". :lol:

[manudude03]

Rule of 100: Take your age away from 100 and that gives the number of times you will go for 1100+ in the next year.

 

If you accept a game or slam invite, you will go down. If you decline, you make with overtricks.

[Yu18772]

my 50% finesses are 90% off.....

 

 

Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, he will surely die. Never point out any mistake he makes. Be pleasant at all times. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems. Always give him a hug when he feels down. And never discuss the hands. If you can do this for the next few months, I think Wayne will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Wayne asked Sheryl, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

 

 

How many bridge partner jokes are there?

Just two, all the rest are true.

 

http://www.bridgebase.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

[BunnyGo]

my 50% finesses are 90% off.....

 

 

Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, he will surely die. Never point out any mistake he makes. Be pleasant at all times. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems. Always give him a hug when he feels down. And never discuss the hands. If you can do this for the next few months, I think Wayne will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Wayne asked Sheryl, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

 

 

How many bridge partner jokes are there?

Just two, all the rest are true.

 

http://www.bridgebase.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif

 

 

That's the cleanest version of that joke I've ever heard.

[ggwhiz]

A little old lady bid 3♣, insufficient and The Director was called. He told her the options and she bid 4♣.

 

She called him back in tears and said "You told me I could make the bid sufficient without penalty and now these guys want 1100."

[RMB1]

A little old lady bid 3♣, insufficient and The Director was called. He told her the options and she bid 4♣.

 

But 4♣ is Gerber (so its not permitted under Law 27B1a or b).

[nigel_k]

This is just from last week.

 

Declarer claimed the rest of the tricks, but had miscounted and was a trick short. There were, however, two finesses available. The defenders knew that both finesses were working (and there was no unsuccessful squeeze line). Quick as a flash, one of the defenders saw the only successful option and made the following offer: "You can choose which finesse to take, but if you choose correctly you have to buy me a glass of wine at the end".

[CSGibson]

One of the best at the table reactions I've seen -

 

My partner and I bid to a fairly normal contract, and LHO leads face down, asking his parter whether she had any questions. RHO immediately says "No, go ahead and lead that 8 of hearts". LHO then faces the 8 of hearts, and partner sits there in stunned silence for 2 minutes before asking all sorts of questions.

 

It turns out that this couple has a variation of asking whether his partner had any questions that they only use when they lead the 8 of hearts, letting them mess with declarer's mind (in a well intentioned way, of course).

[Foxx]

A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to wait in line."

"But I might be dying!" says the man.

"Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available."

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, "She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing."

"I'm sorry," says the nurse, "she'll have to wait in line."

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

"What's this?" says the first man. "How come he goes right in?"

"Oh," explains the nurse, "he's a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid."

 

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Many more where that came from here:

 

http://rpbridge.net/3y01.htm

[pooltuna]

A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting nurse says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to wait in line."

"But I might be dying!" says the man.

"Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available."

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, "She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing."

"I'm sorry," says the nurse, "she'll have to wait in line."

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

"What's this?" says the first man. "How come he goes right in?"

"Oh," explains the nurse, "he's a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid."

 

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Many more where that came from here:

 

http://rpbridge.net/3y01.htm

The only reason the partner is not in the hospital with him is because he is on his way to the mortuary