Cleaning up after the Dog

[y66]

For dog owners ... and Jeff Roman (former dog owner and expert finger sniffer).

 

Cleaning up after the Dog

 

by Jason Tandon

 

Pull plastic bag from pocket

and wave it like a flag

 

or diploma. Make sure many people

congratulate your care

for the community.

 

Check bag for holes.

Double check.

 

Inspect stool for odd hues.

Greens, blues, blood.

 

Evaluate consistency.

 

You don't want to leave smears

on the sidewalk or grass—no prints.

 

Getaway must be clean.

 

Prepare to go in for all of it.

Hold breath.

Grab, clamp, reverse bag, twist, knot, cinch.

 

Smell hands.

 

Hold loaded bag high in the air,

assure onlookers that Everything is Okay.

 

If a cop should cruise by,

his crew cut bristling

in the sun,

 

hold that bag higher,

so he, too, can salute

your contribution.

 

The bomb diffused,

the world a little safer, a little cleaner,

 

will not offend the deep treads

of someone's shoes.

 

from Give Over the Heckler and Everyone Gets Hurt. © Black Lawrence Press, 2009. Reprinted with permission at http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/

[1eyedjack]

Ode to Edward Heath (by Instant Sunshine)

 

I do not like the English hound.

They leave small objects on the ground

which gather in a soft brown mound

and later on my shoes are found.

 

Yet, as a politician, I

must smile at dogs as they pass by.

For dogs belong to owners who

won't vote for me if I shout "shoo".

 

So I must kiss their pets and babies

and pray to God I don't catch rabies.

[bid_em_up]

Cheech: Ugh, what dat look like to you?

Chong: Look like dog *****.

Cheech: Look like dog ***** to me too.

 

Cheech: Feel!

Chong: What? Ugh.

Cheech: What dat feel like?

Chong: Feels like dog *****.

 

Cheech: Smell!!!

Chong: WHAT? WHHHEEWWW

Cheech: What dat smell like?

Chong: Smells like dog *****.

 

Cheech: Taste!!

Chong: HUH?!?

Cheech: TASTE!!!!

Chong: (gags)

Cheech: What it taste like?

Chong: UGH, tastes like dog *****.

 

Cheech: Must be dog *****. Good thing we no step in.

Chong: Yea, good thing.

 

(From either Cheech & Chong or Big Bambu, Cheech & Chong, ~ 1971/72)

 

That reminds me. I still have the original album "Big Bambu" and the original rolling paper that came with it. I wonder how much it would sell for on eBay?

 

(just checked. not enough)

[1eyedjack]

Real life conversation I was privileged to overhear:

 

Female american tourist to colleague:

 

"Aw *****! I just stepped in some doggy do-do"

[y66]

I am going to get some mileage out of that Cheech and Chong routine. Thanks man.