Bridge Joke(s)

[Trumpace]

Q) What is the worst possible bridge hand one could have?

 

A) 4 Aces, 4 Kings, 4 Queens and 2 Jacks.

[Guest Jlall]

It's so nice to see senior citizens playing bridge

[kenrexford]

A favorite comment of mine, made by a proper Southern lady (add the accent -- it works better):

 

"Well, now, isn't that a pretty hand? Now, why don't you be a dear and put down the hand that you bid."

[ArcLight]

Here is a quip from Mike Lawrneces "True Bridge Humor" also repeated on his 2/1 CD.

 

2 Priests are playing Duplicate and are playing slowly. After a long auction they end up in 7NT. The play is going slowly when the director comes of and says

"Dear fathers who art in 7, hurried be thy game"

 

============================================

 

Another quip (supposedly true) - a client was playing with Peter Pender (a deceased world class player). After Pender bids blackwood, he puts the client in 7 Spades. "There ought to be a squeeze in there somewhere". The client looks at him, and places the 7NT bidding card and says "You find the squeeze".

[foo]

Here is a quip from Mike Lawrneces "True Bridge Humor" also repeated on his 2/1 CD.

 

2 Priests are playing Duplicate and are playing slowly.  After a long auction they end up in 7NT.  The play is going slowly when the director comes of and says

"Dear fathers who art in 7, hurried be thy game"

This actually happened! It was an ACBL Nationals in the late 1970's or early 1980's

and it really was directed at 2 Catholic priests who had been playing slowly all session.

 

Then they bid to a thin 7N and their play =really= slowed down.

ACBL National Director the late Maury Bronstein went to their table and made the quip that has since become famous:

"Our Fathers, who art in 7, Hurried be thy game."

[foo]

A good bridge player I know once made the mistake of trying to teach his wife to love Bridge as much as he did by teaching her to play.

 

It quickly became apparent that she had a rather unique approach to bidding: she hated to open and would go out of her way to find a flaw in her hand that would allow her to pass.

 

Sometimes her hand was too good to justify passing even to her. Then she would mutter "d@mn".

 

This rapidly lead to some new alerts on the couples' card:

 

"d@mn."

"Alert!"

*confused opponents* "Yes?"

"My wife has a hand Al Roth would consider an mandatory opening bid"

 

"god d@mn!" (or "d@mn it all!")

"Alert!"

*now curious opponents* "what now?"

"my wife has a hand that is at least strong enough to reverse."

 

"X!"

"Alert!"

*shocked opponents* "What's she up to now?"

"my wife previously passed with enough values that you are going for -800 on this auction."

[pdmunro]

Warning: The following is neither politically nor factually correct, nor is it about bridge!

 

What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?

(Click-and-drag to reveal answer hidden below.)

 

Pregnant

[sceptic]

what I find offensive about this previous post, is the woman was having twins

[Codo]

what I find offensive about this previous post, is the woman was having twins

you made my day ;)

[BebopKid]

I got excited when my new bridge partner told me she played topless every day last week.

 

After our 11% game, I understood what she meant.

[BebopKid]

what I find offensive about this previous post, is the woman was having twins

Okay, this joke has killed every time I've told it this way...

 

 

Did you hear about the blond with two brain cells?

 

[pause]

 

She was pregnant

 

[pause]

 

with twins.

 

 

I like this thread. Keep them coming.

[pdmunro]

In case you haven't seen these:

 

The "fearsome foursome" classic from Canada

http://www.firesides.net/cchumour.htm

 

Bridge humour, English-style

http://www.poorbridge.com/

[pdmunro]

Not bridge, but explains how the pointer on your screen works (highly magnified). Have speakers on. Move and click your mouse.

http://www.1-click.jp/

 

Not bridge, but imagine if he dealt the cards. what a story he could make about the deal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C96Hc1m7pRU

[BebopKid]

There are a couple at our club who are dating and partners: Ralph and Terri.

 

One night they came in and Ralph had made extra bidding cards for them.

 

Ralph's card says, "Bitch, when are you going to learn how to bid?"

 

Terri's card says, "Dumbass, when are you going to learn how to play?"

 

I thought it was cute.

[bid_em_up]

Not bridge, but explains how the pointer on your screen works (highly magnified). Have speakers on. Move and click your mouse.

http://www.1-click.jp/

Drag your mouse around rapidly in circles lots of times.

 

Watch the old man at the bottom left almost collapse from exhaustion.

 

B)

[pdmunro]

"The response of five key cards does not exists, as it is simply forbidden for the partner lacking any key card to query Blackwood. The old bridge joke that applies here is, if your partner used RKCB (or regular Blackwood), and you have all four aces (or all five key cards, playing RKCB), then don't respond at all. Instead, rise slowly from your seat and leave the room quietly, because you are playing with a lunatic and your life may be in danger."

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackwood_convention

[Trumpace]

Supposedly true story:

 

Alvin Roth, a very ethical player was once defending 7NT in a money game. The hand featured this heart suit in a three card ending:

 

[hv=n=sk32&w=s654&e=sq98&s=sajt]399|300|[/hv]

 

South had started with four hearts orginally and had to guess who had the Q. He started by leading the J from his hand. West went into an Oscar winning performance trying to make South think he had the queen and finally played low. South, taken in by all of this, also played low as did Roth! When Roth's partner saw that Alvin had the queen and could have defeated 7NT by taking the trick, he asked Roth why he hadn't taken the trick with the queen. "Because I thought you had it", said Roth.