If I were an Evil Overlord...

[mgoetze]

Just found this hilarious stuff on the web: http://www.tw-cabal.com/other/overlord.txt

[hrothgar]

Here are three of my all time favorites

 

http://members.iinet.com.au/~bofh/bofh/bofh1.html

http://www.things.org/~asya/funny/chili

http://www.things.org/~asya/funny/sartre

 

and of course, who could forget

 

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

 

By Hank Vorjes

 

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square

this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the

Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in

exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock.

If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software

company has acquired a major world religion.

 

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior

vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software

Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and

Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said

MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

 

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to

ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the

Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for

a broader range of people."

 

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we

will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and

revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling

indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,

receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without

leaving your home."

 

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro

language which you can program to download heavenly graces

automatically while you are away from your computer.

 

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's

Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in

character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was

broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

 

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello

chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,"

the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

 

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and

the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such

masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will

face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to

these key intellectual properties.

 

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,"

said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of

the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came

on the scene."

 

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a

common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more

successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame

theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the

Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while

Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted

by Christianity, lags behind.

 

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,

leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and

entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms

whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not

they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several

denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.

The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth,"

echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every

home".

 

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable

religious architecture that will support all religions through

emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of

interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple

of different implementations," said Gates.

 

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,

according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist

Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in

the increasingly competitive religious market.