Elianna Posted June 8, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2006 An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out. A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away. A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barmar Posted June 8, 2006 Report Share Posted June 8, 2006 There is an American, English, Russian and Czech on board of airplane, when all engines sudently turn off and the crash is inevitable, but just 3 parachutes are on board. First the Russian takes parachute and says: I, as a member of world most intelligent nation, have right to save me. The second is American: I, as a citizen of the most wealthy nation, have right to save me and jumps as well. The British says: I could save me also as a citizen of most mannered nation, but I am a getlemen. Please take my parachute. And the Czech replies: Thank you, but this is not necessary, because there are still two parachutes left. The citizen of most intelligent nation jumped with my backpack. (Also I have a lot of jokes, where the Czech are the best - as any nation does, I assume. Again if you are interrested write me for more) The version they tell here in the US usually has specific famous people, and the one who jumps with the backpack is always George W. Bush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike777 Posted June 8, 2006 Report Share Posted June 8, 2006 http://www.break.com/index/theboarderpatrol.html Pay attention to the fence in the background. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slothy Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 There is a Mother superior, a nun and the Pope having an orgy in the Vatican. The mother Superior says to the Pope ahhh forget it you wont use it anyway.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badmonster Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 my favorite joke.... What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?....Here come the elephants! What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with their sunglasses on?........Nothing. He didn't recognize them. Your students may be too mature for this joke. But I love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winstonm Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 An insurance man called a house one night and a small boy answered the phone in a low whisper: "Hello." "Is your father there?" said the salesman. "Yes," the boy whispered. "May I talk to him?" "No," whispered the boy. "He's busy." "Well is your mother there?" asked the salesman. "Yes," the boy whispered. "May I speak to her?" "No," the boy whispered even more lowly. "She's busy." "I see," said the salesman. "Well are there any other adults there?" "Yes," the boy whispered. "There's 5 fireman and 5 policemen and some people from the t.v. station" Incredulous, the salesman continued: "Your father, mother, 5 fireman and 5 policeman, and some people from the t.v. station. What exactly are all those people doing there?" The boy whispered, "Looking for me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kfgauss Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out. A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away. A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem. As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems. :o (Or maybe this is a harsher critique than I'd originally thought. :lol: ) There are many versions of this joke. A nice variant goes something like: An engineer wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, grabs a trashcan, fills it with water, and puts out the fire. A physicist wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees a fire hose, calculates the precise trajectory [etc etc physics nonsense] and puts out the fire. A mathematician wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees the fire hose, says "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep. Andy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winstonm Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 An optimist says: The glass is half full.A pessimist says: The glass is half empty.An engineer says: The glass is too big. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miron Posted June 12, 2006 Report Share Posted June 12, 2006 An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out. A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away. A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem. As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems. ;) (Or maybe this is a harsher critique than I'd originally thought. :P ) There are many versions of this joke. A nice variant goes something like: An engineer wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, grabs a trashcan, fills it with water, and puts out the fire. A physicist wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees a fire hose, calculates the precise trajectory [etc etc physics nonsense] and puts out the fire. A mathematician wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees the fire hose, says "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep. Andy The mathematician sees the fire hose, tests whether the water could be running (turns it on and off). And now he says "A solution exists". ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sceptic Posted June 13, 2006 Report Share Posted June 13, 2006 One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?They're going to STICK! Careful....CAREFUL! I said beCAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I 'm driving." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sceptic Posted June 13, 2006 Report Share Posted June 13, 2006 CLYDE AND THE TRUCK ACCIDENT An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... As I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch & gt; and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Real soon a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?' "Now what would you say?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigi_BC84 Posted June 19, 2006 Report Share Posted June 19, 2006 An undergrad computer science student is geo-caching in the forest with that fancy new GPS receiver he just bought. [replace that by "takes a walk in the forest" if you want but I don't think it sounds credible here ;-).] After a while, way into the woods, he approaches a swamp he's never seen before on his various journeys. Taking a closer look, suddenly a frog jumps out of the swap right in front of his feet. The frog sits there and stares at him. The student picks up the frog, and suddenly the frog says: - "I'm a cursed princess, once I was renowned for my beauty, but an evil witch turned me into this frog. Kiss me and you will liberate me and I'll become your wife till death do us part." The student ponders for a short while and then replies: - "Nah, I don't think I'm gonna do that." - "Why not? Are you married already and won't cheat on your wife?" The student puts the frog in his pocket and says: - "Nah, I don't even had sex before, but, you know, there are so many guys with beautiful girlfriends, that's nothing special, but keeping a talking frog, now that really owns!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdmunro Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 I read this one in a bridge book, believe it or not. It's probably better for older adults. It's Don's 80th birthday. So the residents of the old people's home, where he lives, put in some money. And hire a lady of the night to make it a really special occasion. The lady arrives dressed only in a fur coat. Standing at the door of Don's room, she flings open her coat, revealing all her assets, and says in a sexy voice: "Tonight's your lucky night, big boy. I'm here for super sex. What's it to be?" Don replies in a shaky voice, "I'll take the soup, thanks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bid_em_up Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Jesus vs. Satan Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?" God shrugged and said, "Everybody knows, Jesus saves." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgoetze Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems. :D I prefer this version: A mathematician and an engineer are being interviewed for a job. The employer wants to know whether they are any good at solving practical problems, so as a test they are both asked to fry an egg. The engineer takes an egg out of the fridge and fries it. The mathematician takes an egg out of the fridge and fries it. Now, as a second test, they are given the same task again, but with a twist: the fridge has been hidden. The engineer goes about the house, finds the fridge in the cellar, takes an egg out, carries it up to the kitchen and fries it. The mathematician goes about the house, finds the fridge in the cellar, and carries the fridge up into the kitchen, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved form. For lots of really great math jokes, most of them in German, www.mathewitze.de. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycroft Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 For mathematicians, I've always liked this pair: Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Six. One to change it, one for support, and four to share the experience. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One. He hands it to six Californians, thus reducing the problem to a previous joke. Of course, I'm an engineer...Michael. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inquiry Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of lookingat them!" Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
han Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 That's a pretty good one Ben! I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winstonm Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 Speaking of light bulbs.... How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? None of your F!%*#ing business! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walddk Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? None of your F!%*#ing business! Is that an abbreviation for Flushing Meadows? Roland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walddk Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 To be happy with a husband you have to understand him a little and love him a lot. To be happy with a wife you have to love her a lot and not try to understand her at all! Roland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rain Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 That's a pretty good one Ben! I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring). I thought that's why the thread title was "clean" jokes. <_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sceptic Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 Two guys Jack and John playing golf, a funeral cortage drives by and Jack removes his hat and stands silent for one minute, John said "Jack thats the first time I have ever seen you so respect to another Human being in 40 years I have known you" Jack said " well what do you expect I was married to her for 50 years" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigi_BC84 Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 England in the Soccer World Cup Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rain Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Types of Deja Vu It feels like I've milked this cow before: deja moo It feels like I've seen this strange animal before: deja gnu It feels like I've smelled this bad odor before: deja phew It feels like I've visited this menagerie before: deja zoo It feels like I've scared this person away before: deja boo It feels like I've read this mystery book before: deja clue It feels like I've been in this courtroom before: deja sue It feels like I've felt this bad before: deja rue It feels like I've felt this sad before: deja blue It feels like I've expanded this way before: deja grew It feels like I've seen this slime before: deja goo It feels like I've learned this stuff before: deja knew It feels like I've waited in line before: deja queue It feels like I've eaten this dinner before: deja stew It feels like I've pursued this person before: deja woo It feels like I've forgotten your name before: deja who It feels like I've had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too It feels like I've seen these twins before: deja two It feels like I've used this beer recipe before: deja brew It feels like I've been on this airplane before: deja flew It feels like I've came up with this innovation before: deja new It feels like I've fed these pigeons before: deja coo It feels like I've sketched this portrait before: deja drew It feels like I've ended this relationship before: deja through It feels like I've felt this ill before: deja flu It feels like I've sheared this sheep before: deja ewe It feels like I've munched on this gum ball before: deja chew It feels like I've sat through this sermon before: deja pew It feels like I've played in this wet grass before: deja dew It feels like I've admired this scenery before: deja ooo It feels like I've lost it under the bed before: deja shoo It feels like I've exposed the real facts before: deja true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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