"Clean" Jokes

[Elianna]

As this was the last day of school, for the last fifteen minutes of class, I let my class be themselves. So we had a joke telling-fest. Most of the jokes that they told were funny, even though some were a bit meanspirited, and this has put me in the mood to look for other jokes.

 

So what are some jokes that you like (bridge-related or otherwise)?

 

I'd especially be interested in jokes that I could place at the end of the finals. So I'd like ones that aren't putdowns of anyone, don't have/imply "bad words" and are age-appropriate for 15-18year old girls who attend a very religious school.

 

Of course, feel free to share any joke you like. The goal is to make other people laugh.

[the saint]

for 15-18year old girls who attend a very religious school.

By reputation these are normally the naughtiest...

[Rain]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

 

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

 

(You can probably edit this to place it in a classroom setting, but don't give your kids any ideas :P )

[mike777]

Someone kills someone else with a hammer to the head and this is a clean joke? :P

This must surely (dont call me surely!) offend someone.

[bid_em_up]

Someone kills someone else with a hammer to the head and this is a clean joke? :P

This must surely (dont call me surely!) offend someone.

Dont worry Shirley, surely I wont call you.

[bid_em_up]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

 

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

 

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

 

 

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[bid_em_up]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you". Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

 

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

 

"Moses," replied the bird.

 

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

 

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

[Elianna]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

 

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

 

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

 

 

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

My students told this joke! Except it was changed to a rabbi instead of a clergyman. (I teach at an Orthodox Jewish school)

[bid_em_up]

Probably got it from the same website I did!! :lol:

[the saint]

Sometimes I just like the good old silly ones like...

 

Whats Brown and Sticky?

 

A Stick

 

Whats got two legs and bleeds?

 

Half a dog

 

Whats pink, wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?

 

Your mum

 

Whats pink and hard?

 

A pig with a flickknife

 

Whats green and turns red?

 

A frog in a blender

 

Whats yellow and smells of bananas?

 

Monkey puke

 

Whats black and white and read all over?

 

A newspaper

 

Whats black and white and read and can't turn round in corridors?

 

A nun with a spear through her head.

 

 

Although I could continue, I suspect that none of these are in anyway suitable, I'm just feeling really silly. :lol:

[Sigi_BC84]

(I've googled this one up since my English wouldn't have been good enough to recite it properly ;-)

 

The farmer was out in his field trying to get another season of plowing from his old horse when all of a sudden this enterprising city slicker came by in his Lincoln. Slamming on his brakes, rammed it into reverse and came back to the farmer.

 

He said, "Nice looking horse you got there, want to sell him?"

 

The farmer couldn't hold back his joy, the words just leaped out of his mouth, "Ya, fifty bucks."

 

The suited-dude pealed off a fifty and yelled he would be back the next day with a trailer. The farmer couldn't contain his excitement all through the night. The old horse had been around for years and he only paid ten bucks for him. A dream come true.

 

Would you believe it...the next day at dawn the farmer and horse were at the same spot near the road, when to his amazement the old horse coughed once and keels over dead as a door nail. Just about that time here comes the Lincoln, the city guy was right there with the trailer. What a let down. Talk about a busted bubble, the pits, a bad hair day all rolled into one. The city guy come on around and after seeing what happened, didn't hesitate. Asked the farmer to help load the dead horse on the trailer. Puzzled the farmer obliged and soon the city slicker, Lincoln, trailer and dead horse were all gone.

 

Just so happened the next month while in town the farmer spotted the same guy. The man came over, shook his hand, patted him on the back and gave him another fifty dollar bill. The puzzled farmer asked what happened, the man said he made $645.00 on the deal.

 

The farmer asked him how he did that.

 

The city guy said he sold the horse in a raffle.

 

The farmer said, "Didn't they get mad?"

 

The city slicker said, "Heck no, just the one, and I gave him back his dollar."

[Sigi_BC84]

Whats green and turns red?

A frog in a blender

I know it as "What's green and turns red at the push of a button?" with the follow-up:

 

Q: What's green and stays green at the push of a button?

A: A frog in a blender running for his life.

 

Whats yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey puke

Q: What's yellow and extremely dangerous?

A: Shark-infested custard.

 

--Sigi

[Walddk]

The First 3 Years of Marriage:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

Roland

[sceptic]

Q/. what do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms and no legs?

 

A/. Bob?

 

 

Two Homosexuals on a Cruise ship, first homosexual falls in the sea and the second homosexual raises the alarm, first homosexual shouts "HELP, HELP, HELP SAVE ME" The second homosexual shouts back "HANG ON I WILL THROW YOU A BOUY" the first homosexual shouts back "I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT I AM DROWNING"

[Robert]

Hi everyone

 

How do you hide an elephant on a pool table?

Paint the toenails green.

I have never seen an elephant on a pool table.

See it works.

 

What is purple and conquered the world?

Alexander the Grape.

 

What eats bananas and is very dangerous?

A monkey with a machinegun.

 

What has four legs and one arm and is very happy?

A Rottweiler chewing on an arm.

 

Regards,

Robert

[Miron]

Hi, I add some, but please excuse my english, I'll try to translate them from czech.

 

An old grandma visits a doctor and asks: Please Mr. Doctor, What is the name of the German, who hides all my things?

And Doctor replies: Alzheimer, Grandma, Alzheimer.

[Miron]

The policeman jumps into an tram and call: Follow the taxi!

 

(there is a lot of jokes on policemen in czech rep, if you are interrested write me, I'll add some more - but there often rather stupid)

[Miron]

There is an American, English, Russian and Czech on board of airplane, when all engines sudently turn off and the crash is inevitable, but just 3 parachutes are on board. First the Russian takes parachute and says: I, as a member of world most intelligent nation, have right to save me. The second is American: I, as a citizen of the most wealthy nation, have right to save me and jumps as well. The British says: I could save me also as a citizen of most mannered nation, but I am a getlemen. Please take my parachute. And the Czech replies: Thank you, but this is not necessary, because there are still two parachutes left. The citizen of most intelligent nation jumped with my backpack.

 

(Also I have a lot of jokes, where the Czech are the best - as any nation does, I assume. Again if you are interrested write me for more)

[Miron]

There is a forest congres. And the lion says: Thank you all for cleaning our forest. The frog echoes: The lion thanks you for cleaning our forest. Lion continues: I'm really pleased so I decided to give you a suprise. Frog: Lion is really pleased and he decided to give you a suprise. Lion starts to be angry: We will go for a trip!. The frog echoes again. We will go for an trip. The lion angrily adds: But the green bastard stays here! Frog add: But the alligator was so keen to go with us, such a pity!

[Miron]

A horse better is on track and sees that before start a priest bless one horse. He bet for that one. And the horse suprisingly wins. This repeats a lot of times so he decided to take all his savings and bet it on the horse where the priest is giving his blessing. But fifty yards before the tape the horse dies. The guy angrily ask the priest why the horse died, he was though blessing him. And the priest replies: That is the problem with you atheists, you never know the difference between the blessing and the last Sacrament.

[Gerben42]

Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.

 

***

 

Famous scientists at a party:

 

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

 

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

 

Edison lit the party up.

[Gerben42]

A successful computer scientist went on a cruise and then suddenly the ship sank. Luckily he was washed ashore on a tropical island, on which he had to survive on bananas and coconuts.

 

After several months he suddenly sees a beautiful woman in a rowing boat coming upto the beach so he walks towards her and asks: "How did you get here?". She says: "Well I was stranded on the other side of the island 4 months ago when my cruise ship sank!" What a coincidence, he thought. He went with her and couldn't believe his eyes: She had built a bungalow near the beach!

 

She invites him into her house and asks him: "Would you like something to drink?" He declines: "Sorry I can't see any more coconut-juice..." "Well", she says, "it's not coconut juice, I've built a small brewery, how about a Pina Colada?" He is happy to accept, and they sit on the beach and talk and talk... Then she says: "Why don't you take a bath and shave, I'll slip into something more comfortable." And incredibly, he finds some razor blades made of sharpened bones.

 

When he returns he finds her clothed in just some wine ranks. Then she tells him softly: "Have a seat, we've been alone on this island for so long. You've been so lonely... I think there is something you would really, really like to do. Something that you had to miss for months..."

 

She looked him in the eyes and he was stunned... Could it really be true? He whispered: "You mean... I can really read my E-Mails from here?"

 

B)

[Walddk]

What did the bra say to the hat?

 

"You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift".

 

Warning from the League for Political Correctitude (LPC):

This joke is politically incorrect. It is potentially offensive to:

Some women.

Easily-offended people.

 

Roland

[GeeGee]

Two vampire bats in a cave. One says to the other 'I'm going out for a meal, brb' and leaves.

 

Shortly after he returns, his face covered with blood.

 

'Blimey, where have you been?' asks his partner. 'I'll show you', he replies, and leads her out of the cave. 'You see that big tree over there?'

 

'Yes'

 

'Well, I didn't'

[Trinidad]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

 

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

 

(You can probably edit this to place it in a classroom setting, but don't give your kids any ideas B) )

This reminds me of something I heard in Sweden about 8 years ago. They had (have?) a radio program there where a panel of comedians have to respond on the spot and finish a story that the moderator starts. This time, the moderator presented the title of the story and one comedian came up with an immediate answer.

 

The title was: "How did the guitar end up on the camp fire?"

 

The instant reply: "When I was a scout, one day my troop leader told me: 'Get the guitar and make a camp fire...'."

 

Trinidad